You’ve probably heard about attachment theory. Understanding how the attachment style that you developed growing up is impacting your relationships today, can be super helpful. But as the use of attachment theory in the relationship or dating scene is becoming more popular – so are the misconceptions and conceptualizations that pull us away from the actual experience in our bodies. Meaning – we are theorizing a very embodied process.
We say “I’m tired of dating avoidant people” or “It’s my anxious speaking”. AND we judge ourselves for not having our attachment wound figured out and healed. Becoming securely attached or dating someone securely attached becomes some kind of prize at an imaginary finish line.
In this episode, I want to bring you into your body and nervous system to understand the response behind what we commonly call anxious or avoidant attachment.
So you can bring more compassion to BOTH responses and have embodied ways of loving on them. And I hope to bust some myths about the holy grail of secure attachment along the way…
Listen to ep 164 on A different look at anxious and avoidant attachment:
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A summary of what’s covered in the episode
Anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment
- seemingly not bothered when caregiver leaves
- seeks no contact when caregiver returns
- seemingly not bothered with strangers
Survival response: Flight (avoid connection)
Anxious-ambivalent (resistant or passive) attachment
- distressed when caregiver leaves
- not as easily comforted when returns – sometimes punishing
- wary around strangers, also when caregiver is around
Survival response: Fight
Both these responses can become covered up with freeze or fawn, due to shame we feel about our attachment style and the pain and discomfort it might cause others.
The common experience for both is a sense of unsafety with emotional and/or physical connection.
Secure attachment
- cries when caregiver leaves
- comforted when returns
- curious around strangers when caregiver is around
The secure attachment is noticed by the ability to regulate – the freedom in movement between different emotional responses. NOT in the lack of emotional response.
A helpful way to be with how your attachment style reacts:
- Get to know the survival response and impulses in your body – embodied feeling of them
- Regulate your nervous system to start to feel safe moving in and out of connection
- Re-program to experience your needs as safe and important – and how to meet them yourself
- Communicate needs in relationships
