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Unprocessed wounds don’t stay hidden.
They show up as control, people-pleasing, blaming, shutdown… or that familiar spiral where your whole system becomes convinced: I don’t matter. I’m not safe. I’m going to lose them.
The key to healing relationship patterns at the root is simple—but not easy: you have to feel what you’ve been most afraid to feel.
And the how matters. Because most of us either drown in the story (feeling through the head)… or get stopped by protection layers long before we reach the root.
In this episode, I break down how to recognize an unprocessed wound, how to tell the difference between your wound and their behavior, why “feeling your feelings” hasn’t changed things before—and how to feel in a way that actually heals (so you can become secure in relationship from the inside out).
This conversation explores how to heal relationship wounds at the root so secure connection becomes possible. The central idea is simple but not easy: the way out of repeating patterns is through the emotion you fear most. Growth tools, communication scripts, or mindset shifts can’t stick if your nervous system still flags love as unsafe. When your inner alarm blares, you lose choice and default to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The real work begins when you can recognize that shift, pause, and turn toward the pain with skill instead of panic, denial, or self-blame.
Many of us get stuck on either side: endless growth without healing, or endless healing without growth. On the growth side, we master nonviolent communication, conscious relating, and better habits, yet wonder why the same conflict erupts at 1 a.m. On the healing side, we over-identify with our trauma and freeze our inner parts at age five, never letting them mature. The solution is both-and: soothe and reprocess the wound so your body knows the threat is past, then practice new moves in real time. That reprocessing often involves separating raw emotion from the story glued to it—like sadness from “no one will ever come for me”—so the feeling completes, but the narrative loosens its grip.
A practical way to spot unhealed material is to track when options collapse. In secure relating, you can step right or left, ask for space, or table the talk. When a wound is touched, choice narrows to one urgent action: fix it now, leave now, explain now, appease now. Notice full-body cues—tight chest, racing thoughts, numbness, blank mind—as signs your system flagged danger. This doesn’t mean the other person is blameless; it means your best leverage is inside your half. When you calm the survival response, you can name needs without exploding, set a boundary without erasing yourself, or walk away without dramatics. Clarity replaces crisis.
Feeling is not the same as drowning. Most people either override with gratitude and distraction or collapse into the black hole of meaning: “I’m unlovable. I’ll always be alone.” The missing piece is the how. First, unidentify from the young part that lived the original overwhelm. Sense yourself as the adult witness who can hold the emotion without adopting the old conclusions. Then allow the felt sense to move—heat, tears, tremble—while reminding the body this is present-time safety. As the charge completes, the story loosens and you regain perspective. This is how experiences move from short-term to long-term memory and stop hijacking the moment.
As patterns unwind—chasing, people-pleasing, bracing against closeness, or attracting the unavailable—you’ll notice boredom where there was drama. The old hook loses its voltage. Instead of “how could they,” you feel “this no longer fits.” That neutrality is a sign the wound processed and the need underneath—attention, reflection, safety—found new pathways. From there, growth tools finally land. You can ask for repair without panic, honor space without threat, or end a mismatch from steadiness. The effort to avoid pain was the heavier lift all along; meeting it directly frees energy, joy, and choice for the relationships you actually want.
