If you’ve been with me for a while, you know that real transformation comes not from working harder on yourself, but from loving yourself more deeply.
Most of us have spent years trying to “solve” ourselves—chasing tools, diagnoses, and breakthroughs in hopes of finally being worthy of love, success, or peace. But this exhausting loop often leaves us stuck in self-judgment, disconnected from the very wholeness we’re trying to find.
This episode invites you into a radical mindset shift—from self-fixing to self-cultivation. Instead of seeing your inner world as a machine to repair, what if you saw it as a garden to tend? One that flourishes not through perfection, but through consistent care, trust, and patience. Let’s explore how this change in perspective rebuilds your self-esteem from the roots up and transforms how you relate to every part of yourself.
Many of us approach personal growth like we’re mechanics attempting to repair a broken machine. We diagnose the problems, identify the malfunctioning parts, and desperately try to get everything working “correctly” again. This mindset is not only exhausting—it’s fundamentally flawed and ultimately damages our self-esteem.
In my work with clients, I’ve witnessed a profound transformation when people shift from this “fix myself” mentality to what I call the “inner garden” approach. Rather than viewing ourselves as broken machines requiring urgent repair, what if we saw ourselves as gardeners tending to our inner landscapes? This perspective changes everything about how we approach personal growth and relationships.
Consider how differently you might approach your inner work if you viewed it as cultivating a garden rather than fixing a problem. When you plant seeds in a garden, you don’t expect immediate results. You understand that growth takes time. You provide water, sunlight, and nutrients. You remove weeds and protect young sprouts. And most importantly, you recognize that this is an ongoing process—not a one-time fix. This patient cultivation creates a beautiful environment over time, one where self-esteem can naturally flourish.
The consequences of these two mindsets couldn’t be more different. When operating from the “I need to fix myself” mentality, each setback feels like evidence of your brokenness. Your nervous system kicks into survival mode with either a hopeless “give up” response or a panicked “try harder” reaction. Either way, your self-esteem erodes as you repeatedly “fail” to meet impossible standards. You lose touch with your desires and authentic self because you’re so focused on what’s “wrong” with you.
Contrast this with the inner garden mindset, where you celebrate small signs of growth. You see a seed that you planted weeks ago beginning to sprout, and you feel encouraged. You notice how the soil is becoming more fertile as you process emotional wounds. You understand that different areas of your garden grow at different rates, and that’s completely normal. This approach builds self-trust and self-esteem because you’re witnessing positive change happen gradually yet consistently over time.
The inner garden approach also changes how you relate to challenging emotions and reactions. Rather than seeing them as problems to fix, you view them as information about what needs tending in your garden. Maybe there’s an old belief that needs uprooting, or an emotional wound requiring care. You approach these discoveries with curiosity rather than judgment, which creates safety within your inner world.
A simple but powerful way to check if you’re slipping back into the “fix yourself” mentality is to imagine saying your self-talk to a child you care about. Would you tell a child, “This is really bad. You’re never going to be loved if you keep having these reactions”? Of course not! You’d offer understanding, compassion, and guidance—precisely what your inner garden needs from you.
As you shift toward this nurturing mindset, you’ll notice your relationships transforming too. From the fertile soil of self-compassion and patience, your connections with others naturally become more authentic and fulfilling. You’re no longer approaching relationships from a place of fear or lack, but from a centered sense of your own worth and a genuine desire for connection.
The journey of tending to your inner garden is ongoing. There will be seasons of abundant growth and seasons that feel barren. But with consistent care and the right mindset, your inner landscape will become a place where you feel safe, valued, and at home. And from that foundation, everything else in your life has the opportunity to blossom.
