What happens when your partner does something that makes you feel unsafe—like giving attention to someone else? And then, when you ask for reassurance, they pull away. In that moment, a familiar question arises: “Am I being triggered by an old wound, or are they actually crossing a boundary?”
Our minds long for a clear answer. We want to put the situation neatly in one box or the other: “It’s my insecurity, so I just need to deal with it,” or “They’re wrong, and they need to stop.” But real relationship dynamics are rarely so simple. More often, it’s both: your values may genuinely be challenged while, at the same time, an old wound inside you is being reactivated.
This episode explores how those two realities intertwine, why asking for reassurance can sometimes backfire, and what it looks like to discern from a more mature place.
Instead of collapsing into child–parent dynamics, you’ll learn how to hold yourself first—so you can speak your truth clearly, stay in the relational dojo, and transform conflict into intimacy.
I received a question from one of my Alchemy program members, describing feeling unsafe when their partner danced with other people. When asking for reassurance, their partner felt like they were being asked to mother and pulled away—creating exactly the opposite effect of what was longed for. This scenario perfectly illustrates the complexity of relationship dynamics where both personal wounds and legitimate boundary questions intertwine.
The key distinction lies in how we experience the situation. When we’re operating from a wounded part, we feel profoundly unsafe and seek external regulation—we need our partner to reassure us, hold us, or change their behavior to make our distress go away. This creates a parent-child dynamic that inevitably strains the relationship. The partner being asked to provide that regulation often feels burdened with an inappropriate responsibility and pulls away, activating even more unsafety.
When we’re operating from a more mature self, we can identify value differences without the overwhelming emotional charge. We might still prefer our partner not to dance intimately with others, but we can approach the conversation with curiosity rather than fear. We can articulate what kind of relationship we want to create together rather than just reacting to perceived threats.
This maturation process requires us to turn toward our wounded parts rather than trying to get our partners to soothe them. It means developing the capacity to self-regulate emotional storms, not because we shouldn’t need others, but because regulating ourselves first allows for authentic connection rather than codependent patterns. Many of us pride ourselves on showing up for others while never learning to truly show up for ourselves in the same way.
The path forward isn’t about walking away the moment someone doesn’t meet our expectations. That approach often stems from the same wounding—we leave because we can’t tolerate the discomfort of the emotions triggered within us. Instead, true relational maturity means developing the capacity to stay present in discomfort, to get curious about what’s happening in both ourselves and our partners, and to communicate from a centered place rather than a reactive one.
This growth happens when we cultivate what I call your “relationship dojo”—the practice space where you develop mastery in relating. It’s where you learn to turn toward triggered parts with compassion, process emotions that feel overwhelming, and gradually expand your capacity to navigate challenging dynamics.
This isn’t about settling for less than you deserve—it’s about knowing what you truly want beyond your conditioning and protective patterns.
Check out these related episodes:
Ep 130: Is It Me Or Them
Ep 187: Jealousy As Wisdom
