When you’re doing the work to heal and create better relationships (whether you’re in one, dating, or practicing on your own) the same question tends to echo in your mind: “Am I acting from an authentic sense of self… or just reinforcing a wound or repeating the same old protection patterns?”
Should you stay or leave? Speak up or be more understanding? Set a boundary or open your heart?
Most of us are trying to get it “right.” But without a clear compass, it’s easy to stay stuck. Chasing advice that contradicts itself or relying on someone else’s blueprint for love.
In this episode, I offer a radically different way to orient yourself. One that cuts through confusion and shows you what to actually practice to build the kind of connection you truly want—with yourself or with another.
The relationship revolution continues, and it’s changing how we view our struggles and challenges. Instead of our attachment insecurities or relationship patterns being evidence that we’ve somehow pulled the shortest straw in life, we can reframe them as our dojo – our training ground for becoming exceptional at relationships. This paradigm shift is not just empowering; it’s transformational.
At the heart of this revolution lies a critical question many of us face: “How do I know if I’m practicing the right things in my relationships or dating?” Whether you’re wondering if you should stay in a challenging relationship or leave, whether you’re reinforcing old patterns or creating new ones, this question can feel overwhelming. Fortunately, there’s a compass to guide us – and it’s simpler than you might think.
The compass is self-esteem. Not the superficial self-esteem that comes from external validation, but true self-esteem as defined by Nathaniel Brandon in his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” According to Brandon, self-esteem comes from two fundamental experiences: feeling competent to cope with life’s challenges, and feeling deserving of happiness. When we use this compass to guide our relationship practices, everything becomes clearer.
Most of us approach relationship practices from our protective layers – trying to avoid painful experiences rather than grow through them. We might learn communication skills to avoid feeling misunderstood, or set boundaries to avoid feeling rejected. While these practices may be valuable, their effectiveness depends on whether they’re coming from fear or from a genuine desire to grow. The key difference is whether these practices are expanding your ability to cope with challenging emotions and affirming your worthiness of happiness.
Consider this scenario: you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel fully met. You have two options. You could tell yourself a victim story: “This means they’re not choosing me; I’m abandoning myself by staying.” Or you could flip the narrative and take ownership: “I’m co-creating this experience, and it’s reflecting something I need to see within myself.” The second approach transforms the situation into an opportunity to practice regulating your nervous system, meeting your own needs, and growing your capacity to be with discomfort – all of which build self-esteem.
Different situations call for different practices for different people. After a partner’s betrayal, one person might need to practice creating distance and reclaiming their autonomy, while another might need to face and process deep emotions around betrayal they’ve carried their whole life. The right practice isn’t about what generic advice tells you to do – it’s about what will genuinely grow your self-esteem in your unique situation.
This is precisely why surface-level relationship advice so often fails. It takes one person’s important insight from one chapter of their journey and tries to make it a universal rule. But your journey is unique, and you’ll need different practices at different times. What builds self-esteem for someone else might actually diminish it for you.
As you navigate your relationships, make growing your self-esteem your compass. Ask yourself: “Is this practice helping me cope with challenging emotions in a way that makes me feel proud of myself? Is it affirming my worthiness of happiness?” The answer will point you toward your unique path of growth – whether that means staying or leaving, speaking up or listening more deeply, setting boundaries or opening your heart.
