The video is an excerpts from a video call in the Self Mastery Community with Gary van Warmerdam.
I tried to hide my drama best I could most of my life. Even to myself. Mainly for three reasons:
I felt shame
My inner judge let me know again and again that my reactions was NOT pleasant and attractive traits. He let me know he couldn’t stand me for them. I knew damn well how it was received at the other end and how it was impacting my relationships and my happiness. What if this was who I am?
I didn’t feel that my reactions was who I truly was
At the same time as the shame about having these reactions was there, and that they somehow would define who I was, I had a deeper sense that this was NOT who I was at all. I was a person who believed in being and living differently. So why talk about them so much if they are not truly me anyway?
There was protection against admitting what was going on
Due to past experiences of trauma and abuse I had formed protective layers against feeling that I was uncomfortable or admit that something was wrong. My mantra was “I’m fine, I’m okay”
It wasn’t until my reactions became to painful to carry that I got motivated enough to face it and start doing something about it.
In a way I’m grateful for the pain that brought me to a place where I could start changing it.
If you haven’t found it already, there is a community of amazingly brave people on the path to change their inner patterns of thoughts, emotions and reactions in the Self Mastery Community. Head over there and start taking the free Self Mastery Introduction Course, or the Intro to meditation and Relaxation to see if this work is for you. And join us for our next introduction call where you can ask your questions.
You might also want to check out this interview with Barney Glanvill and the changes he has made with the work.